Errare Humanum Est
by Arlath's Star
Summary: Everyone makes mistakes, Torchwood included. And a trip to London provides the Team with the opportunity for a lot of things to go wrong…
1. Are We Nearly There Yet'

**My next story – as promised! I hope you enjoy it!**

**In case anyone is wondering the title is a Latin quote (I'm afraid I can't remember who by) meaning 'to err is human'. The second part is "in errore perseverare stultum", which basically translates as 'to persist in error is stupid'. Unfortunately, the second half probably applies more to this story. **

**This is set somewhere between Meat and Reset, the only important implication of this being that Owen isn't dead. Also, I haven't managed to buy the rights to Torchwood since finishing my last story, what with that being less than a week ago (again as promised!). **

**Translation: I'm not RTD. Some day soon I'll add that to my profile so that I don't have to write it out each time. **

"Are We Nearly There Yet?"

"Are we nearly there yet?" Owen whined as he slouched in the train seat with his eyes screwed shut.

"We're less than two minutes nearer than when you last asked." Gwen replied through gritted teeth.

"And at your current rate of enquiry you'll have to ask at least another one hundred times before we actually arrive." Tosh informed them all.

"If we haven't thrown him off the train by then." muttered Ianto darkly.

Owen sighed loudly and glared across the aisle to where Jack was sat next to Ianto. "Whose idea was this stupid conference thing anyway?"

"UNIT's. And the government. And it's not 'stupid', Owen, it's an excellent chance for us to get together to pool our knowledge and share information on the latest alien technology."

"Jack, this is a public train." Gwen muttered urgently. "You can't go yelling out about top secret conferences!"

"And am I mistaken, or was Tosh just telling you about that new piece of technological shit she wants to have a look at?" Owen demanded.

Tosh blushed, and the group fell silent. Owen looked down at his watch.

"Are we nearly there yet?"

***

Fifteen 'are we nearly there yet?'s later Owen found himself sat on his own while the rest of the team crowded around a table together across the aisle.

"I spy with my little eye something beginning with 's'."

"Sky, Jack." Gwen sighed. "We've had that one before."

"Fine. Your turn."

"I spy with my little eye something beginning with… 'h'."

"Hammer."

"You're too good at this, Ianto."

"Well, there's only so many you can do on a train."

"Where's the hammer?" Tosh asked in perplexion.

Ianto pointed at it. "She means the emergency hammer for smashing the glass." Ianto watched Jack's gaze move suddenly to where he was pointing. "No, Jack, you can't. If you smash that window it'll be hours before we get there."

Jack muttered something about the train taking hours to get there anyway, but didn't say it out loud, knowing that Ianto would just come back with the defence that if Jack had bothered to inform him sooner he might have been able to book them a faster train. He was beginning to wish they had taken the SUV after all, despite all the dire warnings about the London road system.

Ianto surveyed the carriage carefully then took his turn. "I spy with my little eye something beginning with 'm'."

The rest of the team looked round.

"Man?" Tosh suggested. Ianto shook his head.

"Mountain?"

"We're nowhere near any mountains, Gwen."

"Message then."

"Good, but no."

"Mammoth."

"Since when have you ever seen a mammoth on a train, Jack?"

"You'd be surprised."

Owen sniggered to himself as the team continued to guess. What a pointless game to play! And they thought _he_ was childish?

"Oh! I get it!" shouted Gwen suddenly, pointing at Owen. "Miser!"

"Well done." said Ianto, smiling to himself as Owen glared at him and all the other passengers swivelled round in their seats to see who was being accused.

"Excuse me young lady," demanded a rather vicious-looking old woman as she stared down her nose at Gwen. "But would you mind not shouting at the top of your voice? This is a train carriage, not a playground."

The others giggled slightly as the woman turned back to her seat leaving a rather chastised-looking Gwen behind.

"I think it's time we thought of a new game, kids." Jack advised. "Preferably a more interesting one."

"How about 'who's the last person you snogged?'" Owen suggested, smirking cruelly at Gwen. "That went _brilliantly_ the last time we played it."

Gwen made a rude sign at Owen, afraid to swear out loud in case she was jumped on again.

"So, Owen." Jack said conversationally. "Who's the last person you snogged?"

"Me, in the mirror this morning." replied Owen triumphantly.

"Why?" asked four voices in various tones of bewilderment, amusement and disgust.

"Because I was planning on playing this."

Jack shook his head despairingly. "Tosh, who's the last person you snogged?"

Tosh looked down at her shoes. "Tommy." she said quietly.

There was a short silence while everyone reflected on how they never bothered thinking things through before they started playing these sorts of games. Well, everyone apart from Owen.

"What, no one since then?"

Tosh just shrugged her shoulders in a non-committal sort of way.

"Alright." Jack spoke up, taking the focus off the blushing Tosh. "Gwen."

"Rhys."

"Surprise surprise." muttered Owen. "What about you then, Harkness? If we can't guess."

"Ianto." Jack declared, seizing him round the waist and kissing him. "Who's the last person you snogged, Ianto?"

Ianto's reply was drowned out by a surge of protests from their favourite old lady about showing what should be private displays of affection in public railway carriages.

"Old hag." Jack muttered.

Unfortunately she heard him.

***

"Are we nearly there yet?" Owen asked. It was the first thing any of them had said in some time.

"How near is near?" Jack replied enigmatically.

"What's that meant to mean?"

"Well, if you compare the distance from here to London with here to the moon then we're quite close." Jack explained. "But if you compare it to the distance from here to the end of the carriage then we're quite far away."

"I just want to know how near we are!"

Ianto looked at his watch. "I'm afraid the carriage analogy is probably the most accurate."

**I probably thought that up on a train journey, but I can't remember. Certainly, I have played the 'are we nearly there yet?' game in the car, and my Dad does tend to reply the way Jack does. Actually, I now play the 'Paene advenimus?' (Latin for the same) game in the car, which means people can't complain as much. I'm informed that it's just as annoying though. **

**One day I **_**will**_** get round to taking driving lessons. **

**Until then – Review! I want to know if it's worth continuing the story. (Grief, I'm bad at threats, aren't I?)**


	2. London

**Thank you to all my reviewers (milady dragon, gernumblies, Ravenja70, Jooles34, specialfrancine, Marian Locksley and L.A.H.H.) and also to anyone who added it to favourites or author alert or anything like that. **

**A few people commented on Tosh's kissing history. I'm ashamed to say, after thinking it through, that I have indeed got it slightly muddled up. I mentally set this on my own Torchwood timeline after the Christmas fic, in which Tosh definitely did kiss Owen outside the Hub (with mistletoe). However, Owen was dead then, and he isn't now, and although it seems very Torchwoody to be dead in December but perfectly well again a few months later, I would rather stick to the conventional timeline. So I decided to reset the story to some point in series one before Tosh had managed to kiss anyone else, **_**then**_** realised this would then compromise Jack and Ianto's relationship, and finally settled on just changing what I wrote in the last chapter. It fits in with the rest of the story better now anyway. **

**Hehe. Sorry about the nitpicking. On with the story!**

London

Owen yawned and stretched. "Are we nearly there yet?"

The train came to a halt.

"Yes." Tosh confirmed.

"Really?"

"But unfortunately we still have to catch another train to get to our hotel."

"Shut up, Ianto."

"And we have an hour to get there."

"You're kidding!" Owen snarled suddenly. "Who booked this bloody journey anyway?"

Jack closed his eyes as Ianto replied. He knew what was coming.

"I did." said Ianto matter-of-factly. "And they were the only possible tickets I could have booked, seeing as I was only informed of the need to travel down to London yesterday." He looked pointedly at Jack.

"Alright," Jack put his hands up. "So I forgot. I meant to tell him but then there was that group of Gzenthian tourists and the weevil riot. It's not a crime. Everyone does it once in a while." He looked round at the disbelieving faces. "And shouldn't we be buying tickets for our next train?"

Ianto scurried off, presumably to find a ticket machine, whilst the girls wandered off in another direction. "Be quick!" Owen yelled after them.

After a few minutes of waiting Ianto rejoined them, holding a sheath of tickets. "These will get us anywhere we want to go on the underground." He explained. "We need to catch that train" - he pointed at the screen – "if we want to book in at the hotel in time. Where are Tosh and Gwen?"

"The toilets, where else?" Owen remarked bitterly.

"They'd better hurry up. That train leaves in four minutes."

After five minutes of frantic pacing and rechecking of watches Owen caught sight of the girls weaving their way towards them through a throng of tourists. At the same instant their train disappeared from the departures board.

"Where the hell have you been? We've missed the bloody train!"

"We couldn't find it." Tosh explained crossly.

Ianto pointed mutely at a sign with a large arrow on it bearing the word 'Toilets'.

"Not there." Gwen told him agitatedly, sounding every bit as piqued as Tosh. "Platform 9 ¾ !"

Jack, Owen and Ianto stared at her amazed for a few seconds, before Jack burst out. "Sorry, but _we_ missed our train because _you_ decided to look for Platform 9 ¾?"

"It's not our fault we couldn't find it! We tried Tosh's gadget but it wouldn't work!"

"It doesn't exist, Gwen!" Owen shouted, attracting some odd glances from passers-by. He hated this station and every extra minute they had to spend in it.

"We've got an invisible lift to a secret underground base in the Plass, haven't we? So why can't this station have an invisible doorway to a secret platform?"

"Alright, alright, stop arguing!" Jack demanded urgently as he stepped between them. "We've got to catch another train."

They hurried along the Underground platforms until Jack spotted what he was after. "There, this one!"

As they jumped on board Ianto turned to Jack. "Are you sure, sir? I know the Underground quite well, and I don't think…"

"It's the right one." Jack confirmed calmly, as the Platform 9 ¾ argument restarted behind them. "I've done this before, you know. Why have you got a paper-cut on your nose?"

Ianto raised his hand to his face self-consciously. "It's nothing." Jack continued to look at him curiously, so he expanded a little. "It's from my ticket."

"But how did you get it on your nose?" Jack persisted, watching the younger man squirm.

"Promise you won't laugh."

"I promise." Jack replied with great sincerity.

Ianto blushed and, examining the front of his shirt in great detail, replied quietly; "I tried to blow my nose on it."

Jack managed to hold his laughter in, but only just. He tried to imagine a surprised Ianto examining his make-shift tissue, and quickly turned his chuckle into a cough.

"I can tell you're laughing, sir."

Jack didn't reply. They stood in silence for a while, listening to the heated debate that was going on about stupid fantasies, hidden entrances and time-wasting. A PA announcement echoed round the carriage, informing them of the next stop. Ianto listened with horror as the station name was repeated.

"Jack! This is the wrong train!"

They all piled off the train at the next stop, confused and angry.

"Is this it?"

"Sorry, Tosh, looks like we caught the wrong train."

"So where are we?" Gwen demanded. "Tell me you know where we are!"

"London." Owen offered helpfully.

"Owen, we haven't got time to mess around." Ianto turned on him. "We need to get to the hotel, and now we're further away than when we started!"

"Isn't that the station we want?" Tosh enquired, pointing to the departures board. "Look, we can get a train straight there."

Ianto glanced at where she was pointing and immediately started hustling them in the direction of the platform.

"It's an over-ground train, isn't it?" Owen asked, having studied the sign more closely. Jack ignored him and grabbed his arm, pulling him after the others. Ahead of them Gwen was trying to feed tickets into a turnstile.

"It won't let us through! Why can't we get through?"

"Let me try." Ianto ordered. He had no more success, however.

Hearing the rising Welsh voices and assuming that a group of tourists had fallen foul of London's train system again, one of the station guards approached, and it was quickly explained that this was indeed an over-ground train and that these were underground tickets. In response to further frantic questioning he told them that no, there were no underground trains to the place they wanted from here– they would have to go back the way they came and start again from there.

"We haven't got time!" Jack hissed as the guard walked away. "Ianto, we must catch this train!"

"Too late. It's gone sir."

"Shit." Owen muttered. "How long have we got?"

"Thirty minutes."

Everyone turned to look at Jack, hoping he'd have a solution. He did. "We'll walk."

"Walk?" Owen repeated. "We can't walk!"

"We've got a map. It's not that far."

"But we can't walk across _London_!"

"Oh, let's just go!" Gwen broke in. In the meantime they had trailed Jack across to the station exit.

"No, no, no!" Owen exclaimed as Jack pulled a map book out of his pocket. "There's no bloody way I'm letting the man who can't understand the map of the London Underground guide us across London!"

"I've got GPS." Tosh said helpfully.

"I think I'll stick with the old fashioned way, thanks." Ianto replied as he studied the map he'd just taken from his boss's hands. "We go this way."

After they'd walked down a fair few endless-seeming streets, Ianto checking both the map and his watch at every turn and helpfully pointing out major landmarks, Owen pointed out something they'd all missed. "We could have taken a bus."

"So we could." Jack agreed as he strode along, coat flapping round his ankles.

"So why didn't we?"

"Exercise."

Owen swore at Jack under his breath. He was willing to bet that Jack had caught the wrong train just to make them walk. Everything that had gone wrong so far on this trip was down to him: informing Ianto late so that they got a slow train and a cheap hotel, deciding not to take the SUV, catching the wrong connecter train, deciding to walk across London…

"Owen! Look out!" Gwen screamed.

A pair of hands seized Owen and dragged him back onto the pavement, just as he was about to make an extremely ill-fated attempt to cross the road.

"What do you think you were doing?" Jack demanded angrily, as a fire engine, siren blazing, screamed past the spot from which he had pulled Owen mere seconds before.

Owen didn't reply. He was trembling slightly, well aware that his momentary loss of concentration had nearly led to him being smeared all over the road. "Thanks" he said shakily.

Jack ignored him, about to start a lecture on paying constant attention to your surroundings, but was interrupted by Ianto.

"Come on. We're not even halfway there yet."

**Review, my minions! Oh, and tell me if you want any Jack/Ianto or Tosh/Owen cuteness. That should give you incentive. **


	3. Settling In

**Thanks to my reviewers: miladydragon, Ravenja70, evilpinkbutterfly101, L.A.H.H., gernumblies, Marian Locksley, specialfrancine, BOTJAGGERZ and the darkness revealed. Special thanks to my new reviewers – getting new reviewers makes my day - but huge thanks to all my loyal old ones as well. You can all have an imaginary box of your favourite confectionary items!**

**This chapter gets a T for… um, I'm not sure how to phrase it. Let's just say that it's impossible to have the team sleeping in the same building without there being at least a few hints/suggestions/comments that have to be rated T. At least, I think they're rated T. I'm not very good with the rating system. All this could be a K+ for all I know. I rated it T just to be on the safe side. **

Settling in

Hungry, exhausted and fervently wishing she hadn't worn high heels, Gwen stared up at the hotel as they finally approached it, having completed their journey with only minutes to spare. Although, she was by now well used to having to rush across cities with Jack in the lead, London was an awful lot bigger than Cardiff, and she hadn't been expecting to have to run anywhere. If she had she would have packed a far smaller bag. Dimly, she heard Owen's voice rise in complaint.

"That's not a hotel! That's a Travelodge!"

"It was the best I could get." Ianto said wearily as he folded away the map. "I didn't have long, remember?" He walked up to the entrance desk and the others followed and watched dully as he booked them in, all of them reflecting on what a stupid idea walking had been. Ianto turned back to them, jingling some keys.

"Ok. We've got two rooms, with three beds each."

There was a moment whilst everyone did some basic calculations. "Why couldn't we get five?" Owen demanded, as he reached a horrible realisation.

"They only had these." Ianto replied, his tone of voice telling them he was feeling just as exasperated as Owen. "If we'd booked earlier…"

"Alright." Jack interrupted quickly. "Ianto and I will take one room, the girls can have the other. Where do you want to go, Owen?"

"Is there a cardboard box somewhere…?" Owen looked between the two groups of potential room mates, his eyes resting on Jack and Ianto. He knew that whatever he did, he did _not_ want to spend the night in the same room as them. "I think I'll take the girls' room." It was, he reflected, worth saying it just for the look he got off Gwen.

Ianto threw him a bunch of keys. "And no locking anyone out."

Owen scowled. He swore Ianto could read minds sometimes.

They dragged their luggage up two flights of stairs, struggled with the room locks and their fancy magnetic key and staggered into their separate rooms (Owen was pleased to see that they were not right next-door to each other). The first thing they did was collapse on the beds.

"Hey, we've got a double!" Owen exclaimed cheerfully as he bounced up and down on it. "Do I get it all to myself or do I get to share it?"

Tosh and Gwen both gave him disgusted looks.

"What? Well, what do you suppose our great leader and his teaboy will be doing?"

"That cardboard box is still an option, Owen." said Gwen darkly.

"Aw, come on Gwen? Tosh?"

Tosh pointedly dumped Owen's holdall on top of the single bed. "It's there or outside."

Owen moved over to the smaller bed, muttering loudly about the cruelty of women.

***

Meanwhile, in their room Jack and Ianto were already busy unpacking – or at least Ianto was. Jack was lying on the bed making silly comments and begging Ianto to unpack his too.

"Hey, we get tea-bags and ketchup and – look! – coffee! Will you make me some coffee, Ianto? Please? It doesn't have to be right now, just as soon as you've finished unpacking our bags…"

"You're unpacking your own bag or I'm swapping with Owen."

Jack sighed and got to work. He was already considering telling Ianto late the next time they had to stay overnight somewhere, so that they had to share a room again. Then again, next time Ianto might make him sleep in the SUV, or, even worse, they might all end up in the same room. Maybe telling him early would be best. And in the meantime he had to get back in his good books, which meant it was probably a good idea to unpack Ianto's bag too…

***

"I'm hungry." Owen announced from where he was lying on the single bed.

"So?" asked Gwen, who was still annoyed that she had had no say in the matter of whose room Owen went in.

"So let's get something to eat! There must be _somewhere_ round here."

"Have you ever been to London before, Owen?" Tosh asked. "We must have passed at least fifty take-aways just walking here. And we need to get Jack and Ianto first."

Owen pulled a face. "Do we have to? I don't want to walk in on…" He left the sentence hanging, knowing Tosh and Gwen knew full well what he meant. Neither of them looked too keen on the idea of 'walking in' either.

"We'll draw lots." Gwen decided, picking three of the coffee stirrers the management had helpfully provided for such situations and snapping one in half.

"Tosh!" Owen crowed happily after they had both grabbed one of the lots. "You're going to be scarred for life, girl!"

Tosh shrugged, and went off to find the others' room. She knocked loudly on the door. There was a brief scuffle, and then she heard Jack's voice call "Come in!"

She entered to find him sat on the bed unpacking a suitcase.

"Hi Jack. Err, we were just wondering when you wanted to go get something to eat."

"Ah. Owen's complaining, is he?"

Tosh smiled slightly. "You know Owen."

"I do indeed. Tell him we'll meet him in the lobby in ten minutes."

Tosh turned to leave, but couldn't resist asking; "Where's Ianto?"

"Oh, he's down at reception asking them about leaving times or something."

"Ok." Tosh exited. Jack waited until he heard a door slam down the corridor.

"You can come out now." He called softly. Ianto emerged from the bathroom.

"Where did you put my shirt?"

Jack looked down at the pile of clothes beside the suitcase. "I may have unpacked it somewhere."

***

When Jack and Ianto finally arrived downstairs where the others were waiting Gwen couldn't help noticing that Ianto had changed his shirt, but didn't say anything.

"So, where are we going?" Jack asked.

"I asked at the desk," Tosh replied "and they've given me directions to the nearest Chinese."

"We always have a Chinese." Owen moaned. "How about pizza?"

"You are so unimaginative!" Gwen scoffed. "We never have anything but pizza or a Chinese, and now we're in London, where they have restaurants for _everything_!"

"So, what do you suggest?" Jack asked.

"Fish and chips."

"All the world to choose from and you choose _fish and chips_?"

"At least it's a change." said Gwen defensively. "What do you want, Jack?"

Jack leaned his elbows on the table. "Any alien restaurants in London?"

Gwen ignored his answer. "Ianto?"

"Chinese, I think."

Owen and Gwen groaned as Tosh smiled happily at Ianto.

"So, who's up for another walk?" Jack asked.

**I hope at least some of that fits the Janto requests. There will be more, and I've yet to get started playing with Tosh and Owen's relationship… Hehe. **

**Reviews please! I am a demanding author. **


	4. Girly Talk

**Again, another huge thank you to my reviewers! That is: milady dragon, BOTJAGGERZ, Ravenja70, Marian Locksley, specialfrancine, L.A.H.H. and Phoenixclara. **

**No Janto in this chapter, I'm afraid, but there is a mention of Towen. Oh – just read it and see. And then review, of course. **

A Long Night

An hour later, when they finally got back to their rooms, this latest argument had been forgotten, helped out by the way they had managed to pass a pizzeria on their way to the Chinese. A happy Owen was now stretched out on the bed flicking through the television channels.

"Owen, get off my bed." Gwen moaned.

Owen ignored her and continued to switch channels, turning the volume up.

"Owen…"

"Can't you both be quiet?" asked Tosh irritably. "I've got a headache."

Owen reluctantly turned the TV off. "I'm going downstairs" he announced, knowing full well there was nothing to do there. But he could come back and argue with Gwen again later, once Tosh had calmed down a little.

Tosh watched him go and collapsed on the bed. "Gwen?" she asked, after a little while.

"Hmm?" said Gwen, who was examining her blisters. She hadn't known that you could get blisters on top of blisters before.

"I didn't pack pyjamas."

"You can just wear undies, can't you?"

"Not with Owen here." Tosh replied quietly, and blushed.

"Haven't you got a t-shirt or anything?"

Tosh shook her head. "I only brought things I could wear to the conference, nothing casual."

Gwen rummaged around in her own suitcase, which she hadn't bothered to unpack, and threw Tosh a t-shirt. "I bloody well hope I don't have to lend Owen something too." Then she grinned at Tosh. "I wouldn't have thought you'd have minded that much anyway."

"What?"

"You and Owen…?" Gwen tailed off into a hopeful silence. "Am I right?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." Tosh replied shortly and turned away.

"Oh, come on! Girly talk time. You do like him, don't you?"

"We're just friends, Gwen. That's all."

"Aw, come on! I've seen the way you look at him." Gwen smiled at Tosh. "So: do you or don't you? Spill the beans!"

Tosh was silent for a moment then replied quietly. "I don't know."

Gwen shifted her position slightly. She had been meaning to talk to Tosh about this for ages. It was the kind of thing Rhys called 'matchmaking' and laughed at her for, but still… She decided to continue pressing Tosh. "You must know."

The other woman turned to face her, her voice harsh and accusing. "It's not like you and Rhys, Gwen. So keep your nose out."

"Why don't you tell him?"

"But what if I've got it wrong?"

Gwen sighed, exasperated. "Tosh, you're never going to get anywhere at all if you just sit there all scared dropping vague hints! What's the worse thing that could happen? That you'll just stay friends? God, I can't imagine what it would be like if there were two people like you - though just you and an idiot who can't see what's sat right under his nose don't seem to be doing much better! Just_ tell _him!"

"Tell who what?" asked Owen, as he walked back in through the door. The lobby's leaflet rack had been even more boring than he'd thought.

"Oh, nothing. When are we turning in?" Gwen's voice had instantly returned to its normal tone.

"Now?" Tosh suggested, rubbing her eyes, her head aching slightly from Gwen's tirade and the conflicting emotions it had brought. Her suggestion was met by general agreement.

"You can get changed in here whilst I use the bathroom." Owen said decisively, before the question could be raised. Tosh and Gwen watched him enter and then Gwen cautiously placed a chair under the door handle. She grinned sheepishly at Tosh then pressed her finger to her lips. Sure enough, in a few minutes there was a rattling sound and an 'oi!' from the bathroom.

"What have you gone and blocked the bloody door for?"

"Sorry Owen!" Gwen laughed. "I thought you might forget."

"Haven't you finished yet?"

"No." Gwen lied.

"Oh, let him out Gwen. I need to clean my teeth." Tosh went and removed the chair. She was just splashing cold water on her forehead when she heard the familiar sounds of Owen teasing Gwen, with predictable results.

"Get off my bed, Owen!"

"This is Tosh's side."

"Just get out!"

"Hey!"

Tosh looked at herself in the mirror, water dripping down her face. Why couldn't she manage to be as forward as Gwen? _We'll give it a go,_ she promised herself._ But not right now._ Blinking tiredly, she emerged from the bathroom and climbed into the double bed, regardless of the fact that Gwen and Owen were now having a full-scale pillow fight on it. She put her head under the covers and waited for the sound of the light being flicked off. There was a bump as Gwen got in on the other side, and then another.

"Owen! Get out!"

Tosh stuffed her fingers in her ears and fell asleep.

**That didn't originally have the Tosh/Gwen conversation, but I added it since you all seemed to want Tosh/Owen stuff so much. And for other, personal, reasons too. *Smirks* **

**Review if you want Tosh to get a bit braver! **


	5. A Long Night

**Thank you once again to all my reviewers ! (Though there seem to be less of them this time. Am I getting worse or am I just getting paranoid?) Anyway, ta muchly for the reviews from milady dragon, Ravenja70, specialfrancine, Marian Locksley, L.A.H.H. and the darkness revealed. **

**Tosh will get braver, I promise. But first there's a sort of interlude, if it can be called that. **

*******

Gwen woke halfway through the night to the sounds of scuffling outside the door. She opened it to find Jack crouched down outside.

"Jack? What are you doing?"

Jack put his finger to his lips and gestured down the corridor. Peering down it blearily Gwen could see a line of little lumps.

"What are they? Oh." Jack was holding an alarm clock.

"They're set to go off in twenty minutes." He explained quietly.

Gwen perked up immediately. This sounded fun. "Can I help?"

Between them they soon had a line of alarm clocks stretching down the corridor, all set to go off at 3am.

"What do we do now?" Gwen whispered.

"Go back to bed."

Gwen did so, grinning happily. This was one of those forbidden pranks you always wanted to do but never actually did until someone like Jack turned up and persuaded you to.

***

"Wassup?" grunted Owen, as the sound of several dozen alarm clocks being set off simultaneously echoed down the corridor.

There was a rustle, and Tosh's head emerged. "Is it the fire alarm?" she asked worriedly.

"S'n'larm clock, innit?"

"Are we supposed to be getting up now?" Gwen asked, yawning. "What time's it?"

Tosh fumbled for her own alarm clock. "3am."

"What?" Owen stumbled out of bed and made his way over to the door. All down the corridor sleepy heads were peering out to see what was making the incessant beeping. His foot knocked against something and he bent down to find it was indeed an alarm clock. He stamped on it. Hard.

"What's happening?" Gwen asked besides him. But Owen had spotted Jack and Ianto coming out of their room, and was making his way over.

"This was you, wasn't it, Harkness?"

"What? Me?"

"You don't do innocent well, sir." Ianto's 'sir' had never been more full of sarcasm. "Besides, I saw you sneaking back in."

"It was Gwen."

"Huh?"

"How could it be Gwen? Jack, I saw you sneaking back in." Ianto ran his fingers through his tousled hair.

"And Gwen was asleep." Tosh added. "So you can't lay the blame on her."

"She did help." said Jack firmly. "We both did it."

"I didn't!" Gwen protested, eyes wide. "Stop lying, Jack!"

"Gwen Cooper, I order you to confess."

"Shut up, Harkness. No-one who wakes me up at this time's ordering anything." snarled Owen belligerently. He turned round to address the small crowd of angry hotel residents that was milling around the corridor. "Oi! It was him!" He stamped back to his room, followed by the two girls, as the crowd turned on Jack. As he slammed the door shut he caught sight of Ianto doing the same thing down the corridor, key-card in hand. Owen nodded, satisfied that their rude awakening was being avenged.

Gwen climbed back into her bed, fighting the urge to grin as she watched the grumpy Owen. The one thing in the world more enjoyable than deliberately annoying Owen was annoying him and letting Jack take the blame. Jack could prove nothing, and the others would turn on him as soon as he tried to accuse her again. That was worth half an hour's lost sleep any night.

***

Ianto had to do some quick talking in the morning to get the hotel to allow them to stay, and Jack had to pay them a fine for the disruption. He didn't particularly care about that – he'd collected more than enough money in his lifetime – but Ianto had locked him out all night and wouldn't talk to him on the morning, which was annoying. Jack hadn't realised his little prank would be taken quite so seriously. Fortunately for him, the demands of the three-day conference soon meant that the team put the episode to the back of their minds, even if the Travelodge staff didn't.

**Anyone who's watched the episode commentaries for series one will recognise that prank as the one that John Barrowman and Eve Myles played on a whole corridor at some hotel the filming team were staying at. I haven't tried it myself, and I wouldn't recommend trying it unless you're either someone like Jack (who can get away with almost anything), a celebrity or someone who can run very fast. (Please note, however, that if you wake someone like me, who loves their sleep, it doesn't matter **_**how **_**famous you are.) However, there are some other, lesser, pranks that don't involve waking people up at 3am, which are almost as much fun: swapping pictures round, putting sugar lumps in the salt, changing the answer-phone message etcetera. Please do not blame me for any injuries (up to and including death) suffered from the carrying out of any of these pranks, especially the first one. Sue John and Eve – they've got more money anyway. **

**Talking about pranks, I'll post my April Fools Day story soon. (as requested!)**

**Oh, and send me reviews to cheer me up please! I got all depressed today (not sure why) and your reviews really make my day. **


	6. Blood and Tears

**Ta muchly to all the people who reviewed. According to my wonderful list that is: Ravenja70, L.A.H.H., gernumblies, the darkness revealed, milady dragon, specialfrancine, Marian Locksley and BOTJAGGERZ. I have to say that I was amused at how many of you enjoyed Jack being locked out all night…**

Blood and Tears

By the last day of the conference Owen was completely fed up. These UNIT people obviously had no idea about what they were doing or about how Torchwood worked. And as for the medical conference that had been supposed to be going on? Well, it seemed that all UNIT's doctors had been called off to work on some other 'important' project. "So much for 'teamwork'." Owen muttered under his breath.

He was skiving off for the day and leaving all the fun working-together-and-sharing-information conferences to Jack and Ianto. They looked sick of having to deal with government representatives themselves - Owen knew for a fact that Jack had been seriously considering staging a major Rift alert back in Cardiff – but on the other hand Tosh (despite some initial reluctance to speak to the UNIT people that Owen hadn't yet figured out) seemed to be enjoying her side of the proceedings enormously. Gwen was off exploring London's vast assortment of shops, having given up on trying to persuade UNIT to adopt a more people-friendly approach.

Owen wasn't particularly interested in shopping, firstly because he considered it boring and secondly because he might meet Gwen, which would be embarrassing. So he decided to do a tour of the landmarks instead, making as much use of the Torchwood credit card as possible. Ianto was _so _going to regret lending him that.

Halfway through looking round the gorier sections of the Tower of London, Owen received a message from Jack. _'Don't forget the end-of-conference-do tonight.'_

Owen texted back. _'do I hav 2?'_

'_Will the free drinks persuade you?' _

That one didn't require an answer, so Owen set off back for the hotel. Tosh rang him whilst he was on the underground.

"_Owen, are you going to the party tonight?"_

"Jack says I have to." Owen replied tersely, not mentioning the lure of free alcohol.

"_When will you turn up? It starts at 7.00."_

Owen glanced at his watch. "7.30? Maybe later. Gwen and I will probably catch a taxi together, and you girls always take ages to get ready."

"_Ok!" _said Tosh happily, and hung up. Owen spent a few seconds wondering what piece of tech she was so excited about before his thoughts were interrupted by the next station announcement.

Back in the corridor outside the conference room Tosh hugged herself in anticipation. She'd finally managed it! Well, ok, she hadn't actually spelt out that this was date, but surely even Owen wasn't _that_ dense…

Owen knew it was going to be a long night as soon as he arrived back at the hotel room. Actually, he knew before he even opened the door – Gwen's nonsense singing was echoing down the corridor. Hyper Gwen. Just what he needed.

"Oi! What's up?"

Gwen turned to greet him, beaming widely. "Oh Owen! Today's been amazing! I've bought the perfect present for Rhys' birthday, and the perfect dress for this evening!" She waved her arms at the wardrobe dramatically, where a new red dress was hanging from one of the handles. "And have you heard about tomorrow?" Gwen was practically bouncing up and down now.

"What about tomorrow?" asked Owen tetchily, wondering why he hadn't been told.

"Jack sent a message out." Ah, that. Owen remembered hearing the beep and switching his phone off. "We're going to see the Queen, Owen! Just imagine it! The Queen, wanting to meet us!"

Owen watched her do a little jig on the spot, amused despite himself. He was even more amused when he tried to imagine Torchwood meeting the Queen. Why on earth had Jack signed up to that?

He walked into the tiny bathroom to give Gwen more bouncing space as he sent Ianto a message. _'Whats this about us –'_

There was a small _thump_ outside.

"Owen?" came a tremulous voice from the other side of the door.

"Coming!" _'-going 2 c the queen?' _Owen finished off his message before opening the door.

Gwen was lying on the floor. But Owen's first, split-second thought was about the bright red drops of liquid on the floor. Nail polish?

Then Gwen moved her head, and Owen could see that there was a lot more red liquid than would ever fit inside a nail polish bottle.

Ianto glanced at his watch. "When did they say they'd turn up?"

"About 7.30." Tosh replied. "I'm sure they'll be here soon." There was a hint of nervousness in her voice.

"Are you alright waiting for them on your own?" Jack glanced at Ianto, although his question was addressed to Tosh.

"Of course. I'm sure I can find someone to talk to until they arrive. After all, we are supposed to be getting to know them."

Jack grimaced. So far as he could tell the talks had failed to improve his relationships with any of UNIT's staff, though Tosh and Ianto did seem to have made a few acquaintances. "Well, we'll leave you here for a while then. We will be back –" Jack glanced at Ianto again, "- shortly."

Tosh sighed slightly as they left and checked her watch again.

"Gwen, you're bleeding." Owen told her, going into doctor mode as he knelt down beside her.

"Am I?" Gwen tried to raise a hand to her head. It came away covered in blood, and she tried to sit up.

"Stay there, sweetheart." Owen rushed into the bathroom and came back with a large wad of tissue paper. "Here, hold this to your head." Gwen seemed capable of understanding him. "Did you black out?" He asked as he removed the damp tissue and started to examine her head.

"No? I don't think so. I'm normal, aren't I?" Gwen tried to get up again.

Owen didn't reply. The blood didn't seem to be stopping and he couldn't find where it was coming from. And there was a lot of it. _Head wounds bleed a lot _he repeated to himself like a mantra.

"What happened?" he asked, to keep her talking.

"Err…" Gwen sounded embarrassed. "Well, you know the low doorframe…?"

"You were jumping around and you hit your head." Owen completed. "Oh, Gwen." He was, however, slightly relieved, going on the assumption that a slight bang from a doorframe could not cause too much damage. "Look, I'm going to sit you down over here so I can look at you head properly, ok?"

Gwen obediently moved over to the chair, and Owen tried not to look at the pool of blood she had left behind on the floor. The management was going to play hell with this. He started to push away her hair.

"Ow."

"Sorry." Owen paused. "I think you've only scraped it, but in quite a few places. I'm going to clean it now. Stay still."

"Mmmhhmm."

Owen found his doctor's kit, never far away. As he cleaned the wound Gwen asked; "I'm an idiot, aren't I?"

"Well, let's say there are cleverer things you could have done."

Gwen smiled slightly. "I'm glad you were here, Owen."

"So am I." Owen rummaged round in his medical kit. "How do you feel about a bandage?"

"No! I've got to meet the Queen tomorrow!"

Owen noted that no serious damage could have occurred if Gwen still responded like that. "Well, I'm the doctor and I say you're having one." he told her authoritatively. He deliberately used more bandage than was necessary; wrapping it round Gwen's head several times, and under her chin to hold it in place.

"Owen!"

Owen tied the last knot and was about to warn her not to touch it when he was interrupted by his phone ringing. He had to hunt round to find it, having dropped it on the side as soon as he'd spotted Gwen.

"Err, hi. Look, I'm a bit busy at the moment..."

"_Owen? It's Tosh."_

"Yeah, hi Tosh. Like I said, I'm a bit… preoccupied at the moment. Can it wait 'til later."

"_It's about the party." _Tosh sounded slightly hurt.

"Oh, yeah. Look, I might be a bit late. It's just that I've got a few… problems with Gwen. Do you mind?"

"_Err… No. Not really."_

Owen clicked the phone off, and turned back to his patient. "Leave that bandage alone!"


	7. The Woes of Toshiko Sato

**A really big thank you, as always to all my reviewers: BOTJAGGERZ, gernumblies, L.A.H.H., specialfrancine, milady dragon, Marian Locksley and the darkness revealed. **

**Here's some more Tosh/Owen, since people seem to like it! And more apologies to L.A.H.H, whose friendship I am probably seriously abusing by using her as a muse in this way.**

**Oh, and I own the OC. That's why he's an OC. **

The Woes of Toshiko Sato

Tosh thrust her mobile deep into her handbag, her hands shaking. He'd said he would come! He must have realised how much it meant to her! And now he just turned his back on her and started running after Gwen instead…

She buried her head in her hands and started sobbing quietly, not caring about who saw her. After all, no one cared. Owen and Gwen, Jack and Ianto; they were all busy. None of them had any time for her, least of all Owen. And as for Gwen… That two-faced bitch! Being oh-so-friendly towards her and then _this_ all over again! She'd practically told her about the way she felt towards Owen – in fact, Gwen had as much as suggested this!

Tosh's chain of melancholy thoughts were interrupted by a hand touching her shoulder softly.

"Hello love." It was Peter, one of the conference guys she'd been working with for the past few days, Tosh remembered vaguely. It was he who had figured out how the Voernian adaptors worked a few years back. Normally she would have been worried about the 'love', but Peter was broad Yorkshire, and sounded it, so she was fairly sure he didn't mean anything by it. "Fancy a drink?"

Tosh nodded, grateful for the chance to talk to somebody. "Yes please." She would feel better after a few drinks, she reasoned.

***

Owen looked down at where Gwen was curled up underneath the covers, already half-asleep. He wasn't sure whether her tiredness was due to her accident or to her long days shopping; and if it was due to the accident he wasn't entirely certain whether or not it was a good thing.

"You should go and meet up with Tosh." Gwen mumbled sleepily.

"How did you know she'd asked to meet me?" Owen demanded.

"She told me." Gwen said simply. "She really likes you, you know."

For a moment, Owen wasn't sure whether or not to take her seriously. After all, this comment was coming from a woman with most of her head swathed in bandages, and who was probably still partly in shock. She could just have got a bit muddled…. But no, Gwen was still looking up at him with unblinking eyes.

"I know it's not particularly tactful, but she does." Gwen repeated. "It's obvious. So go and have a night out with her."

Owen blinked, and decided that Gwen was probably having some sort of delusion. That seemed the safer option. "I have to make sure you don't die in the night first." He joked.

Gwen rolled her eyes, then winced. "I wasn't planning on it."

***

"…So they've all run off and left me." Tosh concluded bitterly, taking another mouthful of her drink.

Peter nodded understandingly. He was actually a very nice guy, Tosh reflected. There was more to him than all the tech-hype and jargon. A bit like her, maybe.

She finished her drink and ordered another one for both of them.

***

Watching over Gwen's sleeping figure Owen pondered what she had told him, wondering whether or not it was in anyway true. Tosh was always so quiet round him… it was almost like she was hiding herself, some of the time. But she did flirt a bit with him occasionally, in a way she didn't with Jack or Ianto.

He thought back to the conversation they'd had earlier. She had sounded… odd … when he'd told her he was busy.

He thought about it some more for a while, then decided to text her:

'_RU ok? Gwn had acident. May cum l8er'_

***

Tosh heard her phone beep, but ignored it. They'd found a table in a corner and were talking again. She was on her… on her fifth drink? Maybe. She looked down at the one she was currently holding, trying to remember. Not that it mattered. She downed it, and stood up to get another, swaying slightly.

***

Owen blinked, and struggled back into consciousness. How had he fallen asleep? He checked his watch – he'd been out for an hour, maybe more. When he checked his phone he found that Tosh still hadn't replied. A tendril of worry wormed its way into the back of his mind. He made one last check on Gwen then pulled on his coat, his mind made up.

***

Tosh had forgotten about Owen. She had forgotten about most things. Her head felt all woozy, but she still felt happy and somehow free. Nothing really mattered any more: not what Peter was saying, or what she was saying, or how many drinks she had, or what anyone else thought. It felt brilliant.

***

Owen's first glance round the crowded room revealed neither Tosh nor Jack nor Ianto. He pushed his way through the throng round the bar to try and find someone who might know where they are. The first one he found was one of his conference colleagues, looking rather tipsy.

"Have you seen Toshiko Sato?"

"Huh?"

"D'you mean the Japanese girl?" someone else butted in. "The table-dancer?"

"Oh, her!" The first man rejoined. "I've got a video of her!" He turned to grin at Owen. "She your girlfriend, mate? 'Cos she's found another bloke."

Owen pushed his way past them angrily, heading towards the tables. The tendril of worry was suddenly growing faster than an ivy plant, though one part of him still ached slightly at the fact that he'd missed Tosh dancing on a table. Maybe he could buy that video…

That was the moment he spotted Tosh's head. It was the back of her head, and it looked like she was face-down on the table – not a good sign, especially not with Tosh. And – Owen's anger blazed – there was a very drunk man stood over her.

If Tosh could have seen the way Owen ran up to her and pushed Peter away the doubt about him in her mind would most likely have vanished. Unfortunately, no one filmed it – her only record of the evening later was a blurry, highly embarrassing video in which she was only just recognisable, Owen's garbled and admonishment-strewn account and the scarily long bill that Ianto found for her. She did have a lot of memories about the next morning though, and most of them weren't good ones.

Owen lifted Tosh up out of her seat and carried her into the cooler hall. She was unconscious; how long for he had no idea. As he laid her down on the floor to check her over properly he realised somewhere at the back of his tired mind that this was now the second injury in the team that he'd had to deal with tonight, and hoped fervently that Jack and Ianto hadn't been stupid enough to do something similar.

***

Owen only remembered slightly more than Tosh did about how they got back to the hotel room; namely the bits where she threw up in the taxi and where he had to carry her up the stairs. Gwen was still where he'd left her, so he laid Tosh on the bed next to her, covering her with the blanket. He stayed up for the rest of the night to make sure that nothing happened to either of them.

**I'm not entirely sure how effective that was, because I've never myself got drunk, so I don't really know what it feels like. So that part may be a little bit inaccurate. Anyway, I hope it satisfied any desire for Owen/Tosh. **


	8. The Morning After

**I take it from the reviews that several of you have suffered from hangovers in your time and pity Tosh. Again, having never got drunk I've never had a hangover, so this is mostly written by guesswork and other people's reports. **

**Posting may get a bit erratic from now, I'm afraid. We're redoing the kitchen and everything's a bit topsy-turvy; cooking in the laundry room, washing up in the bath – that sort of thing. And all the constant noise when I'm trying to revise/write. So a big, big thank you to all the people who cheered me up with reviews: gernumblies, Marian Locksley, NikkieSheepie, specialfrancine, milady dragon, L.A.H.H. and Ravenja70. **

The Morning After

Jack knocked on the door and waited a few seconds. He glanced at Ianto, then hammered on it loudly. After a few seconds Owen's head appeared round the doorframe, bleary-eyed and yawning.

"Can't you be a bit quieter?"

"What? Surely you're not all still asleep at this time?"

"Some people are." Ianto said, a touch bitterly. He too looked slightly tired and not-quite-there.

Owen checked his watch. It was only just past seven in the morning. That meant that he had only dropped off for half an hour at most.

"Are the girls still unconscious then?" Jack asked jokily.

Owen pushed the door open.

"Ah." said Jack.

"No." Owen replied to his earlier question. "They're both," he paused to yawn, "sleeping."

"M'not. Ow."

"Ah Gwen, you're awake. Tell me; why do you have a bandage round your head?"

"Bloody doorframe."

"Of course." Jack replied, looking up at it. "So you never actually got to the party?"

"Tosh did." Owen supplied, glaring hard at both Jack and Ianto.

"We know." Ianto pointed out. "We saw her there."

"And you left her to drink herself senseless." Angry Owen seemed much more awake.

"I thought she thought you were coming?" Ianto replied, his tone of voice conveying that he believed all this to be Owen's fault.

"I was sorting Gwen out! I sent her a text! And besides, no one told me she was so irresponsible that we weren't supposed to let her go out on her own!"

Gwen put her hands over her ears and screwed her face up. Her head hurt too much right now to take in all the arguments. Beside her, Tosh made a little moaning sound. Owen let his voice drop a little.

"And I got her back here, which is more than you two bloody well did to help!"

There were two mumbled 'sorry's and two croaked 'shurrup!'s.

"Are you feeling ok, Tosh?" Owen ventured as he moved across the room towards her, knowing full well that it was a stupid question.

"Mmmph."

"No, I feel absolutely awful." Ianto translated.

"She looks awful." Jack added thoughtfully.

Tosh tried to glare at him, but this involved opening her eyes, an action she immediately regretted. "My head hurts." she moaned, in a very un-Tosh-like manner. "And I think I'm going to be sick."

"Snap." said Gwen blearily.

Jack looked at the pair of them lying there for a moment, then started laughing. Owen and Ianto quickly saw the funny side too, despite their exhaustion. It wasn't the kindest thing they could have done: Tosh immediately pulled the covers up over her head and curled up in a ball whilst Gwen flung the book from her bedside table at them. It missed, but they retreated behind the door anyway, intending to return when it was safer.

***

When they did dare to return (about an hour later, having given Owen and Ianto the chance to cadge another hour's sleep each in the other room) they found Tosh sitting on the bed cradling her head on her hands. She had managed to find fresh clothes, but hadn't done much more.

"Come on." said Jack, pulling her to her feet. "Do you want to know a really good hangover cure?" He led her off downstairs.

"What is Jack's hangover cure?" Owen asked, wondering why he'd never been taught it. Of all of them, he probably needed it the most.

"He has several." Ianto replied. "The best one is not to get drunk in the first place. However, he's probably buying Tosh a full English breakfast. They're supposed to help, for some reason. I'm not sure why, but Jack swears by them. Especially when you take painkillers with it too."

Owen shrugged. There was no accounting for some people's taste.

The bathroom door opened quietly and Gwen snuck out, making for the corridor, only to be intercepted by Ianto.

"Are you alright now?"

"Oh, I'm fine." Gwen smiled reassuringly at him, then winced. She side-stepped Ianto but was blocked by a threatening-looking Owen.

"Bandage." He stated.

"Bandage? What bandage?"

"Don't try playing innocent with me, Cooper. You had a bandage on last night and I told you to not to take it off."

"But Owen, I didn't need it…"

"Stop whining, Gwen!" Jack called from back up the corridor, causing Tosh's head to throb painfully again. "Owen's the doctor here. If he tells you to keep a bandage on, you keep it on."

"But I don't need it." Gwen complained as she was pushed back into the room and the door closed firmly behind her.

"Yes you do," Owen replied, unrolling a roll of bandage. "Because what if someone comes up and does this to you?" He patted the top of Gwen's head.

"Ow!"

"See? That's why you need a bandage."

"No I don't, because the rest of the world aren't all bastards like you, Owen Harper!"

"You sure?" Ianto asked with a slight grin, unable to resist doing the same as Owen.

"Ow! Stop it!"

"Just sit down and let me put it on then." Owen said coaxingly. He knew as well as Gwen did that there was no real reason for her to have a bandage apart from that, as the team's doctor, one of the few small privileges that he was allowed was that he could swaddle the others up in bandages if there was good enough reason too. In Owen's mind, the fact that this procedure would bring him joy whilst bringing Gwen embarrassment was good enough reason.

"No! We're going to see the Queen! I don't want a bloody bandage round my head!"

"Oh!" Ianto remembered suddenly. He'd forgotten about that appointment, which was most unusual for him. Meanwhile, Owen had forced Gwen into a corner.

"I'll bloody punch you if you bring that stuff anywhere near my head, Owen!" Gwen looked like she meant it too. Her head hurt enough without Owen messing around with it again.

Owen smirked. "I can section you under the Mental Health Act, did you know that?"

"What?"

Ianto translated for her: "He means that the knock to your head had affected your sanity and that he can legally force you to have treatment."

"I'm not crazy, Ianto!"

Owen glanced across at Ianto and winked. "You hold her down and I'll get this bandage on."

Ianto tried not to grin. "Yes, Doctor Owen."

***

Whilst Gwen was being forcibly bandaged upstairs, Jack had at least partially cured Tosh, to the extent where she could at least think without her head feeling as though it was going to split in two – at least if she didn't think anything too taxing.

"So, are you feeling up to going back to the room yet?"

"Ow. Um, yeah?"

"Yes." Jack clinched the matter. He wanted to get Tosh away from all the prying eyes in the breakfast room. "We need to get you ready for our royal meeting."

"Do we have to?" Tosh winced again. The painkillers had taken the edge off her headache, but it was still noticeably there.

"Aw, come on. You don't want to disappoint the Queen, do you?"

"No?"

"No, you don't. So let's go put some makeup on those bleary eyes."

"Thanks Jack."

"Hey, that almost sounded normal!"

***

"Owen? Gwen?" Jack knocked on the room's door and Tosh winced again.

"She's sulking." Owen appeared suddenly behind them both, accompanied by Ianto. He sounded unusually happy about this.

"What about?"

"Her bandage." Ianto smirked. "In fact, she's hiding in the bathroom and refusing to come out. But she hasn't taken it off this time." As Jack headed purposefully into the room he turned to Tosh. "Feeling any better?"

Tosh shrugged slightly and closed her eyes as the sounds of Jack hammering on a door and ordering Gwen to come out echoed down the corridor.

"Up to meeting the Queen?" Owen smirked. He didn't feel up to meeting anyone himself. He had fallen asleep on top of the only suit he had brought last night, so now he was going dressed in his doctor's coat, in the hope that this might be in some way acceptable. Jack and Ianto were really the only two of them that looked presentable, but even though Ianto was wearing his best suit it was obvious that he did not have the alert look he normally had – in fact he looked as tired as Owen felt. Which meant, he realised, that he probably looked just as bad.

The door opened again, and Jack emerged, leading a surly-looking Gwen. She had changed into her new dress, but the effect was ruined slightly by the bandage that was still wrapped round her head. There had been some negotiation on the size of bandage needed, and Owen had eventually settled for a slightly smaller one than before, but Gwen still looked…

"I look stupid!"

"You look wonderful, Gwen."

"Compared to what?" Gwen glared Jack down. "_Why_ did you have to arrange for us to meet the Queen?"

"Wrong way round. _She _arranged to meet _us_.And you can't ignore a royal summons, so stop complaining." Jack looked round at his assembled team. "Are we all ready to go?"

He did not get the response he was hoping for.

**I'll leave it up to you to decide why Ianto is tired. I'm fairly confident that you'll all jump immediately to the same conclusion, but I'm not saying anything. **

**Sorry about any unneeded meanness to Gwen. This chapter actually conceals my secret but repressed longing to force my friend to wear a bandage to school when she did the same thing Gwen did, merely because I have a slightly perverse sense of humour. (I know you're reading this – please don't throw anything too heavy at me when I next see you!)**


	9. Meeting the Queen

**A final, resounding thank you to my reviewers: gernumblies, L.A.H.H., Jooles34, Ravenja70, NikkieSheepie, milady dragon, BOTJAGGERZ, Marian Locksley and specialfrancine! And I'm sorry if any of you took offence at my guess-why-Ianto's-tired comment last chapter. I don't honestly know why he's tired – half the time I don't know why_ I'm_ tired – and many of your suggestions seem plausible. So use whichever one seems best to you!**

**Oh, and I managed to get the special request in… **

Meeting the Queen

Torchwood Three were not what the Queen was expecting.

Captain Jack – well she'd been warned about him. Very, very… personable. But obviously a very good leader from the reports she'd heard and he was very protective towards his team.

Yes, the rest of the team. The Captain's long, witty stories mostly seemed aimed at making sure none of his team-members had to answer any questions. She had to admit that most of them didn't look capable of answering any.

The doctor, Owen Harper, didn't look to be in the best of health, but despite his bleary eyes he was still capable of joining in the conversation occasionally, though several of his comments did not make complete sense. She tactfully pretended not to notice when he nodded off and nearly knocked his teacup over.

Toshiko Sato, the mastermind technician. By all accounts an incredibly intelligent and sensible woman, but none of her team-mates seemed willing to explain why she was suffering from such a huge hangover. She winced every time someone spoke too loudly, so the Queen - who, needless to say, was an expert at diplomacy - did her best to keep her voice low.

The young Welshman, Ianto Jones, seemed the most active, able of chatting quite happily with her and the Captain. But he too had bleary eyes and his tie was at a slight angle. Still, he had clearly made a great effort to appear as neat as possible – and he certainly surpassed the others – but the effect was ruined slightly by a thin red scar on his nose and by a tuft of hair that stubbornly refused to lie flat.

She made what was probably her biggest slip-up with the final member of the alien-hunting team, Gwen Cooper, when in an attempt to start up a conversation she had asked her how she had acquired her head injury. She had been expecting an answer that would confirm Jack's stories – something to do with chasing monsters through the streets of Cardiff – but all she got was an embarrassed silence and a muttered reply about a door lintel. Dr Harper, she noticed, got a sustained and furious glare afterwards.

Shortly afterwards Miss Sato finally succumbed to sleep, and the Queen was secretly rather relieved when the Captain eloquently excused himself and his team. Watching them leave she couldn't help wondering if they were like this all the time, and, if so, why Cardiff was still standing.

***

"Well, that went shite." Owen stated. "The only thing that could have made it worse would have been her saying 'We are not amused'."

No one argued with him. It was clear to all that they had not made the best impression.

"I can't believe I fell asleep in front of the Queen." Tosh whimpered.

"Oh, she'll think it's because you've been working so hard saving the world." Jack comforted her.

"We probably shouldn't have told her that Gwen hurt herself by hitting her head on a door then." Ianto pointed out. "Not really the best advertisement for a job like ours."

"Well, I told you you shouldn't have put the bandage on." Gwen said crossly. Now they had a photograph of them all meeting the Queen, and Rhys was sure to want to frame it, even though she looked like a total idiot.

"So, how long before we get replaced?"

Jack laughed. "They won't replace Torchwood, Owen!"

Owen sniffed. "Easy for you to say. She liked _you_."

"And while I'm in charge you lot are staying, even if you might need common sense implants some of the time. And next time we go on one of these trips I say Ianto brings his coffee machine along too, eh Ianto?"

"We'll need the SUV then, sir."

"Oh, god." Owen ran his hand over his eyes. "We've got to catch the bloody train back now, haven't we?"

There was a collective groan from Gwen and Tosh. Jack took one look at them and Owen and Ianto's exhausted faces and made up his mind. "No. I'll find a taxi to take us back. Not quite travelling like royalty, but I'm sure you've had enough of that sort of life for one day!"

No one pointed out the financial implications of this, or even the number of taxis that would want to travel from London to Cardiff – they were all too grateful.

Because, just for once, the idea of being back in Cardiff seemed like heaven.

_Finis_

**Before someone says 'you're not allowed to write about real people!' I would like to point out that the Torchwood team are in a different universe from us, and therefore have a different Queen, who is subtly different from ours. I'm not sure how she's different because I've never met the real Queen, but it does give me an excuse for her not sounding particularly like ours. I've met an Italian shopkeeper who knew more about the British Royal family than me and five other English students put together, and it's a well known fact that far more people watch the Doctor Who Christmas special than watch the Queen's speech, so I can probably be forgiven this.**


End file.
